Main -> Dating -> The ‘Shidduch Crisis’ Has Led to an Orthodox Obsession with Female Beauty – The Forward

The ‘Shidduch Crisis’ Has Led to an Orthodox Obsession with Female Beauty – The Forward

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The driver turns the corner. But before she can respond, the driver presses the brakes. This is a living, breathing human being. Several years have passed since that day: an era of shidduch [arranged] dates, resumes, phone calls, reference checks. No more being bothered by older women. I had finally crossed the line to safety. And only recently, it hit me how much life has changed, when I was dancing at a wedding the other day.

Name 3 character traits you already noticed in your partner. Within the confines of your commitments work, etc. If you had freedom from your commitments for one day, how might you best enjoy spending it? What is something you really want to be able to say about your life when you look back on it at ? Name 5 things in your current life that bring you great joy.

If you could wake up tomorrow having gained qualities, what would they be?

Last week I read an article in the NY Times about a woman who, with a man she was on a first date with, decided to try to fall in love by going. Hi everyone! So basically I'm a frum girl who is starting to date mainly on my own for a variety of reasons. I also know that I'm definitely into. I always wanted the typical frum girls good grades,go to college,date a nice frum guy,4 months later get engaged and then have a nice big wedding at.

For four minutes tell your life story in a lot of detail. From original questions Name 3 things you and your partner appear to have in common. From original questions Set II Name 2 very important people in your life.

What kind of relationship do you have with each one? Name 5 things about yourself that you really like or are very proud of.

For what in your life do you feel most grateful? From original questions Tell a treasured memory. From original questions Tell a hard memory.

From original questions What do you like about the current dynamics in your family? How do you like to spend your weekends? Talk two minutes about your relationship with either your mother or father. What is something you want to do but hesitate because of social norms?

How connected are you to technology? Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. What is your natural speed in life and how does it fit within the society you live in? What do you think about having kids? Name things that worry you.

Name things that scare you. Girls are also into looks, probably as much as boys. They refuse short boys, chubby boys, red haired boys, and boys whose beards are already very long or bushy. I have also seen plenty of people who were not attractive or skinny get married so obviously not everyone views looks as important.

Mothers want what will make their children happy. If a mother of a boy wants a girl who will take care of herself, what is wrong with that? No one is advocating plastic surgery but proper nutrition, hair styling and a bit of make-up never hurt any girl.

Sometimes its just genetics. They also grow up in a culture that discourages sports and outdoor exercise. It means that they might need to put more effort into controlling their weight.

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Certain illnesses will cause people to be overweight. Often there is treatment for many of these diseases. I was overweight for many many years due to thyroid problems I had from having mercury toxicity due to having many mercury dental fillings. After the fillings were replaced, my weight went to normal. Little do these young men know that how a woman looks at 18 or may have little relation to how they look at 30 or Same goes for the girls.

It is the initial attraction that will keep a young man interested.

The ‘Shidduch Crisis’ Has Led to an Orthodox Obsession with Female Beauty

The newest trend in anorexia is probably in postpartum women. By the time she is 30 and has gained weight having children, her husband already loves her. He cannot possibly have that foresight when he is young, though. Most frum men marry at an age where looking 10years down the road is not something that they can do.

The person with bad habits can change the habits. Those with a genetic weight problem might be overweight no matter what they do. If someone considers overweight to be unattractive, it will be hard to convince them otherwise. Look, it is what it is. Years ago in Russia, thin women were not considered for shidduchim. Thinness was a sign of poverty. Most Americans today do not consider extra weight to be attractive.

They will wear makeup, dress up, diet, go for facials and waxings, blow their hair…… But they are still being rejected for not being pretty enough. This article might have a valid point but….

Secondly you speak about beauty and thin as if it were one. It is very important for a girl and boy to be wieght concious. It is completely legitemate not to want a fat or even slightly over wieght girl. What do you expect prom a Bocher thats on Facebook. As a mother of two wonderful, kind-hearted, educated, and pretty girls — they are sitting while others get engaged.

That is why we have all these rules and regulations. All true. However, you cannot fight this with logical arguments. Attraction is emotional and cannot be won over by a logical argument.

It comes from the outside world, true. As someone who recently got married after many years of being single, I can tell you, this is not the answer. You cannot win someone over. He will have to come to this realization by himself. The arguments are counter-productive, they generally make someone in this position just write off the person arguing with them. Many women seem to be obsessed with how tall a man is, how thin he is, if he has a full head of hair, and how much he earns.

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It seems to me that the single women are much more fussy than the men, and that it is more often that the woman has no interest in a man she went on a date with, rather than the reverse. I have basically given up on dating, as I have not had any success at it for the longest time.

I guess you are a bochur in or recently out of yeshiva. With a bit of experience, you will see that you will get no where without compromise. No one is saying to compromise on things like tznius or if he davens at all but having expectations about looks including wearing heels is exactly what this article is talking about — basing dating on nairishkeit. While I think it is important that everyone express their own individuality, if wearing heels or any such superficial example is such a priority that it comes beyond anything else, there is obviously something wrong with the persons priorities.

This is not a new phenomenon, or a secular thing. This is the way G-D created men and women. The real need is for real solutions. Get wit it. We can no longer assume people are altruistic and only living spiritual idealistic lives, we are human afterall. Lets call a spade a spade — Boys and girls look for looks and girls and boys look for money.

What it means is that we need to educate people to look a little below the surface and into the future — what will be when the money runs out and the looks fade — are you still interested or will you get a divorce.

Not everyone has money very few today left and not everyone has the looks — yourself included! We need to instill into our children from an early age — even preschool, that life is not just about ourself and our immediate gratification; life is to improve on our middos which should lessen our gashmiusdika look on the world.

Hopefully after 18 years of education, people will realize there is a book beyond the cover. There is no quick fix to anything, but a little more maturity into getting married will go far. I am a mom of 2 eligible children, one of each sex, with the others already married. I was a size 6 when I got married at I havent been a size 6 in at least 20 years.

I am being open minded about suitable shidduchim for my available son. But, I still do want someone that will appeal to my son…. I heard a nice Moshel: One had to travel from place A to B and had two cars in front of him, One beautiful Bentley with all the luxuries One would love to have, the other was a Bashed up Toyota Corrola 98 with broken air conditioning and heating.

The choice would have been obvious, but the problem was the Bentley was traveling from A to D not B. All these issues with women are due to our so called educators. Having said what i said, after G-d will hold you responsible.

We have the biggest collection of seforim in history translated in all necessary languages. Use ur own imagination remember its a mitzvah! Parents unfortunately will always be choosy if they have the option and I sometimes think that because there are so many good-great girls out there and not as many good-great guys I think girls are generally better than girls when it comes to things like midos,hashkafa I.

It focuses on six young, single Orthodox Jewish hopefuls trying to find love in New York City (we even interviewed Leah Gottfried, the woman. Until I disclose that the conversation was with ten very frum girls who were describing what the Chassidic dating scene has descended to. Frum Divorced Singles, Yiddishe velt. likes · 4 talking about this. FDS has been helping Frum Div/Sep Jews keep sane through group discussion and.

Also maybe the guys have other options and may decide that if all else is equal why not go with the prettier girl. We all want to look good for our spouses and hope they will do the same. Btw just as a matter of fact I think guys are more into the physical attributes of a prospective partner while the girls are more into the emotional and mental attributes but that does not mean that there are no guys who want a good warm caring smart funny etc.

I wish everyone hatzlacha and mazal and nachas sorry for the long post. I could have gone on but I figured this was enough for now. Why should i be stuck with the ugly fat wife when everyone else has a beautiful put together wife? I try hard to give back and set up the boys and girls that I know. I can tell you that a girl is pretty, gorgeous, attractive… but that does not mean your son will think so. I can think a girl is plain, and your son will think she is as beautiful as a model.

A lot more than just physicality goes into attraction. I guess I am most frustrated by these innane questions that the mother needs to know her son will be attracted to the girl before they even go out. How can she possibly know that or even for that matter, how can he know that before he ever meets or speaks to the lovely young lady? That is why some men might ask about her dress size or weight and height.

They want some sort of objective measurement of whether or not she is so overweight that it might impact her health or her ability to have children. If she is more than 40 pounds overseight, that is a different matter. While excess weight can be lost, a woman needs to want to do so badly enough to make permanent changes in her lifestyle.

A weight problem can also get worse. There are some overweight women who would not consider dating an overweight man. I have been overweight in the past, but am not overweight now. I would be willing to date women who are up to around 30 or 40 pounds overweight.

Above that, the excess weight does typically have a significant impact on health and lifestyle. But in general sense, is she of normal build — okay, I could hear that without necessarily agreeing with it. But asking me if she is drop dead gorgeous or will my son find her attractive — how should I know? Further how will you know? In fact, I have had mothers tell me, my sons only want brunettes or only like blonds, when they never bothered to find out that their sons thought redheads to be attractive.

Only if women agree to date men who are not so tall, not so successful, and not so thin. It works both ways. Lets be fair and honest, a rich pretty girl is on a pedastal picking and choosing as much as the boys.

Why do people have to be so negative and argumentive? I see people who curse out others or make fun of others on this site and I pray that this is not an example of real life. There are almost alsways two sides to every issue or story.

So few people comment back to try to encourage or help that person. While the focus on appearance is a non-Jewish value that penetrated our community. We have had vulnerability to such outside influences, and many efforts to insulate our lives, families, and children have not been completely successful. There is a greater issue here, and the article seems to mention it, though perhaps giving it less than the appropriate concern.

The issues we discuss when involved in shidduchim, whether for ourselves or our children are frankly weird. The jokes about the plastic tablecloths on Shabbos are not even funny. Having fielded questions about such trivia, I found the lack of attention to the real features offensive. Anyone can purchase any type of bekeshe, shtreimel, hat, socks, and trimmings.

A girl should not be looking to marry a uniform. It is equally ridiculous in the other direction. But since we have confused our priorities, placing appearance as high as we do should not be a big surprise. If personality is more important than looks, what can be accomplished with a look of one second? In fact — human nature is that if one is physically attracted to his wife, he will then find love in her, and the personality issues are themselves resolved, and he will treat her with respect.

He has once again declared himself king, and made a lousy argument. As for the girls, there is no excuse for a single girl to be 40 lbs overweight.

When a bochur sees a girl, he is not looking at facial features, he is judging her body. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. As for weight, there is no way overweight is attractive. Plenty overweight boys with beer bellies and no one says boo about them because hes the best boy in BMG and gives a chabura to 20 guys while his naval is sticking out because he is so fat.

Preferring women that are pretty is not a goyish thing. It is a human thing. Actually, fat people were revered because you had to be rich to be fat, people were still trying to marry up.

Use our unique approach in creating a farmer, dates and receive messages absolutely for frum dating sites. Yamsuf. Frumchat a comment many young ladies . As a married woman, I get to see the other side of the Orthodox dating world: that of the matchmaker. Posts about dating written by thefrumdiaries. First, I'll just say that yes, I am a single frum girl who is hoping to get married in the near future. I'm not even going .

This was just another materialistic standard. Someone just reminded of a story a friend once told. His rebbe was talking about the concept of gluttony — in all aspects of life. To me, that sums this all up. As a woman, I take offense to women being compared to a car as some of the knuckle-dragging idiots have done in previous posts. There is a problem in that there is a mechitzah around every facet of life in the frum world.

Single men do not get to interact with single women, except for the purpose of getting married, and so neither group gets to see the other as they really are.

Given this segregation, all people can use as initial criteria for choosing a partner are looks and money. If you see yourself or a potential partner as a child, then how can you be ready for marriage?

I know too many people who married young and are either miserable or divorced. Boys will be attracted to pretty girls and it is important to marry someone who you are attracted to. What troubles me is that the mothers are obsessed with how the girls look. THAT is a major problem. It can take them by surprise. From a well-to-do family, too. Suddenly, I am being asked to set up matches — though it feels like moments ago that I was that girl being set up and attending weddings like some beauty pageant.

Photos are shown on phones, forwarded by email and WhatsApp. I say that I may have a young woman for him, it might be worth a date. He is offended.

Why is that any more harsh? Her hair is too curly. Her teeth are a bit crooked. She never wears heels. I listen and nod, head spinning with my own memories. My mind rushes to the years of starving, the endless salon sessions, never venturing outside without full makeup, the way my shopping trips grew more and more exorbitant as the dating adventures went on.

But do I regret those years, invested in looks? No, the power of feeling young and possibly beautiful was too much fun. Simply sit down in a wig shop and listen to the women getting their wigs styled next to you — or peruse the advice columns of the Haredi press, read the letters of parents besides themselves, concerned for their single daughters, how to afford luxe Passover programs for the sake of their daughters being seen in the dining room by the right families note: the more nursing homes the family owns, the betterand then, when the redemption finally arrives, how to afford that lavish wedding.

Simply look at our eating disorder numbers. Is this shocking?

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    1. Excuse for that I interfere … To me this situation is familiar. I invite to discussion. Write here or in PM.

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