Storytime: Friend is Dating a married man at work ( ASKKMONET )My friend recently starting dating a man who is unhappily married. She said he is leaving his wife but they are still living together. I am really worried about the situation but I don't know how to talk to her about it. My husband says I should stay out of it but it's hard because I am afraid that my friend is going to get hurt. She believes this man but I don't. Well, a married man is a married man.
She met a new guy online. He is married and "separated" for 1 year, but per my friend, he has not pursued a divorce at all. The man and his.
As I said, I think you made the right decision for you. Life is frequently more complex than we would like it to be. Is probably why divorce is not being actively pursued. At the end of the day, though, it's up to you what you want in your life and don't want in your life, so if you feel relieved by the decision you made, then it's the right one for you.
A lot of people stay married for legal reasons, like health care for a disabled child or adult for years after the relationship is over.
It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me if it was some reason like that. In this day and age separated is enough for dating. As long as they really are separated and he's not in town for work and making up a story.
In the end it's the same - you get to shun whomever you want - but there'd be a lot more people agreeing that this woman is shun-worthy. This sounds like a woman dating a man whose marriage is over and has moved to a different city and is moving on.
It's not the same thing as homewrecking. And plenty of people here have experience with long separations and are explaining why it's not the same thing as being party to the breakup of a marriage. I don't disagree with your take on possible risks to your friend in this situation.
People can be fairly confused fresh off a split like that, and they do sometimes get back together with their exes. If she's in her late 40s, and into this for lovesure, it'd be ideal if she had a clear indication that she was this guy's 1 priority.
A divorce would certainly indicate that, though as people are saying, there might be complications and variations that don't exclude non-divorce from good intentions. And he does live in a different city from his ex, which absent some other explanation is a pretty good sign he's keen to move on. I think it's a little worrying that she's so full of butterflies that she's actively avoiding thinking about the possibility, though.
But I'm also wondering if she actually meant that even if he is attempting reconciliation with his wife, that she would still want to date him, and that it did not matter to her because she likes him THAT much. I guess I might have focused less on judgment and more on concern for her. But yeah, this horse doesn't want to drink your water! No changing that.
I might have drawn some kind of boundary though, if her level of need got to be overwhelming, probably temporarily. Maybe I'd have suggested counselling or something.
I don't think it's a great situation, but what heyjude said is probably why it's going on. But if you can't take having to hear about that situation, it's probably good if you nope out now. Ach yeah I have seen this happen. The deceit went on for almost a year. Devastated my friend who is incredibly open-minded and readily accepted his modern explanations of his modern arrangement It's a valid concern. What I would have done: In my experience, I've never found that friends and acquaintances really want relationship advice when they ask for it, they just want validation.
I try to listen as best I can and change the topic if I feel unable to refrain from saying something negative. If I feel that someone is making a choice that I find absolutely morally reprehensible generally this has happened to me with respect to other values, not relationship choices, but ymmv I stop hanging out with that person.
You should not do or say anything unless your BFF asks you to do something or say something. If your friend wants you to intervene or give. She's dating a married man. DEAR CAROLYN: My best friend, “Pam,” and I have been friends since college, and run a small catering. Jamie talks a lot about how dating at 35 is so hard and she's so afraid to be I've had another friend sleep with a married man and I was disapproving of it.
I would caution that being separated and actually going through the process of being divorced are two VERY different things. The former is like any other breakup. The latter is, for some, a hellish, emotionally draining process of turning a relationship you thought was over into a financial transaction. If she's willing to stick around through that, bob's your uncle. But she should be prepared for what she's in for.
People put off getting divorced for all sorts of reasons that don't involve cheating on their separated spouse. In your shoes, I'd have bought up my concerns once, maybe twice if she absolutely insisted and then dropped the whole thing and let her find out this information about HER relationship as HER relationship evolved.
It's not even clear that these two ever met in real life, which is where most people would feel comfortable divulging personal information to a complete stranger. You seem to have jumped to a conclusion that your friend was helping a married man cheat when you have no idea, so I'm not surprised she got upset.
What would I do? Mind my own business. My friend wants to date a married man is actually your former friend is dating a separated man. You're in your late forties, and have been divorced for nearly 20 years. You've written that you knew you and your ex-friend had different value systems, even before her new relationship came up. When she hounded you for advice, you could've stated your reservations and then requested it not be a topic of conversation as the subject made you uncomfortable.
You were right to end the friendship given your discomfort. I'm just confused why you had to drag the process out, and why you're conducting an opinion poll now and favoriting your own contributions, and the one answer that has your stance unequivocally in the right.
It's a big, varied world, and she's an adult making her own decisions. I'm sorry your friendship was a bad fit, and that its dissolution is not bringing you joy, either. Reframing: Ok so your friend was using you, right? By hounding you with her relationship details, she got to relive all the sexy drama bits and bask in your scandalized expression again and again in the guise of asking for advice.
And she kind of made you part of this thing, enabling her. You hate her choices and that she kept involving you. You were not able to turn it off. So you dumped her. That's not a bad choice. Better would be to quietly dial back the friendship, become less available and tell her "nope" every time she starts discussing the guy.
But if she was, like, pinning you against the wall to force you to listen, yes, you dump her. What's irrational about it is how you are so invested in proving to her and to us that only your ethical approach is the right one. You're yelling around in this very ask me and went out pf your way to mark your own answer as "best", despite this question ostensibly being about other people's opinions. I think you need to get away from this need to be the only morally right one, somehow.
My friend recently starting dating a man who is unhappily married. She said he is leaving his wife but they are still living together. My husband says I should stay out of it but it's hard because I am afraid that my friend is going to get hurt. So, you've got eyes for a married man? socializing with friends and family, building a relationship based on trust and intimacy a married. Q: My friend likes dating married men and I hate it. Right now she is seeing this guy who has a young family and I know for a fact that it is really.
You can't control others and you will make yourself and others unhappy trying. We separated in Januaryand have two children. We were co-habiting for four years, and the divorce will go through next year, when we've been living apart for two years.
One thing I discovered when entering the world of dating cautiously again was how common this sort of thing seems to be, as it happens.
But anyway, I have been with my girlfriend for one and a half years, and we've been living together for one of those years. We have an amazing relationship, and none of us have any real desire to get married either again, or for the first timeand there's no immediate need or rush to get divorced either. It works for us.
And yes, we do and have talked it through, so I'm not just being presumptuous or blinkered. Well, there is a large difference between "being ok with something" and "actively telling others what to do with their lives. I understand that other people may have a different calculus than I do when they make a choice about dating someone who is separated, and while I don't agree with it, I accept it as their choice.
Accepting it as a choice doesn't mean I have to accept the actual action: in this situation, I would use boundaries to say to my friend something like "You asked me what I thought, and I don't like this situation.
I respect your choices, even if they are not the choices I would make. In fact, I am bothered by them. I would prefer not to hear about it again or to discuss it with you further. Thanks for respecting that.
The reason you are getting pushback about being judgmental here is not because your ideas about marriage are wrong, but because the way you treated your friend -- it sounds like you really wouldn't let this go and like you kept literally passing judgment on her -- was out of line with how most people, at least on Metafilter, approach friendships.
Many of us see friends as interesting people we like spending time with, and their choices about the way they handle their lives and their core values are less essential to the friendship. Others of us want our friends to help shape our moral codes, or we see our friends as people who share all our core values.
And that is a completely acceptable way to negotiate a friendship, but it's not as common in our culture, which places high value on autonomy. Were I your friend in this situation, I would be asking myself why my friend was so concerned about the marriage of two total strangers and about honoring the wife in that marriage, which she knows almost nothing about, to the point where she is dissolving her friendship with me.
Why is their well being more important than mine? Why do you care more about strangers potentially being hurt than you do about hurting me, right now? Marriage used to mean different things than it means now.
She’s dating a married man. Her friend probably won’t approve, so should she even tell her?
Being the "other woman" has also changed, in terms of the blaming and things that can happen around that situation. The laws around divorce, custody and division of assets have also changed over the years.
None of that is necessarily right or wrong although I have my opinions on it, as I'm sure you do! But I just wanted to point out that things sort of have turned upside down, from where they were say, even 50 years ago. So don't feel alienated, try not to indulge the "I don't fit in anymore" reflex. Just examine your opinions, and how they reflect your perception of marriage and relationships and people's responsibilities and duties and expectations within them.
FWIW, as a fellow divorcee, I've also disengaged from friendships with people who date married men. And as a fellow divorcee, I made it a point to only date men after their divorce was finalized. Having gone through the process of divorce, I know for myself, that is a time for contemplation and getting back on track personally, socially, and professionally.
I didn't want to date during that process, and I didn't want to date anyone going through that process. Different strokes for different folks, but that's what I want in my world and in my friend-circle. I think the issue is that if you are going to hold anyone to the standards you are setting, it should be the married people.
It is the responsibility of married people to be clear about their situations and their intentions with everyone involved when they're dating. And yeah, lots of married people are intentionally and unintentionally NOT clear about those things but that does not shove the burden onto the single people of the world to walk around making sure they aren't crossing lines in relationships that they aren't even a part of.
If it matters, I am married and we don't date other people. But if my spouse is dating someone I am unaware of, my problem is with him and not with the person he's dating, even if that person knows I exist.
I was in a situation similar to yours where a married friend starting dating a work colleague with his wife's blessing. I told him I didn't think it was a good idea, and that in my experience dating outside one's marriage always led to misery, inevitably and irrevocably damaging the marriage. That's all I did.
My friend is dating a married man
He was pretty upset and almost ended our friendship, but it's my opinion. I felt I had to share it and not waiver to be a good friend.
In the end he stuck with the marriage, but the relationship created all kinds of drama and really ended up hurting the work colleague.
I would probably just hope it blows over soon! I am not great at keeping my mouth shut lol. She is wasting her time. It probably seems all exciting and fun right now. I also agree with PP who said tell the wife.
I think it is wrong to date a married man. If you feel uncomfortable listening about her relationships. But even in the situation like that nobody has a right to judge others…we never know how our life will turn out.5 signs married man is falling in love with you
You are a grown up and will make your own choices. I hope we can still be friends and talk about other things. My Dad started cheating on my Mom when she was in the hospital we thought dying of cancer she pulled through and is still alive 17 years later!
ETA: do not tell the wife. I think you should stay out of it.
If it really bothers you that much, you could back away from the relationship and set up some boundaries. Spend less time with her, less phone conversations, etc.
It may hurt her feelings but I would rather be honest with my friend then lie to her face and act like everything is okay and then think bad things about her behind her back. Maybe that will get it into her head that she is helping this man destroy his family.
I tried to be friends with this woman who was having an affair with a married man. Hearing her naive, selfish and foolish words about the affair was just too much for me. To all who have suggested that I tell the wife — I might consider doing so If I knew him or his wife. My friend lives in a different state so I have never met her … whatever he is.
I think the thing that bothers me the most is her complete lack of empathy towards the wife. It troubles me to hear no remorse from her over her part in the eventual fallout this relationship will have for her or the children.
My Friend's Indiscretions. A fairly close friend of mine who is not married recently shared with me that she's been “dating” a man who is married. The woman who is in love with a married man lives a life that, for the most part, is shrouded in secrecy. Her close circle of friends might know. So, as the title says, my best friend is having an affair (or whatever you I think it is wrong to date a married spacerook.comr, I believe that it is.
And that makes me think less of her as person. And yes, I am terribly disappointed in her actions as I would be if anyone I loved did something like this. Find support, ask questions, swap stories, and follow brides planning real weddings here on Weddingbee.